Social Engineering: Who is the Boss?

Who do you think is the boss?  Men or Women?

Some people present themselves from a position of authority.    I personally think it is because people are socially engineered to feel that they are superior.  This social engineering starts early in ones life.  It could be by mothers doting on their little boys too much and giving the boys the impression that  the sun and moon revolve around them.  Fathers can socially engineer little girls to think they are princesses or make them feel that they constantly have to prove themsevles to be taken seriously by men.   If the latter happens, then you end up with a woman who takes on the dominant role in a relationship, sometimes called a ballbuster.   In the case of mothers who give their sons inflated egos, you end up with a guy who think everyone must cater to him because his feelings are surely most important.  There are many scenarios other than the two listed above.

Social engineering continues throughout life.  In academia, students excel in certain disciplines and sports.   These students then receive praise which futher inflates the ego.  By the time one is finished with college, depending on their chosen field, a person may have a grossly distorted ego and severely warped expectations about what real life will be like and how they will be treated in a corporate environment.    Once the student receives a job and becomes a working class plebian like the rest of us, they are usually knocked back down the proverbial ladder for the first couple of years.  You know the type, the young hotshot who arrives on the job fresh out of college and thinks they will change the world and become a VP within a year or two.

Naturally, the socially engineered personality takes on a role in interpersonal relationships as well.  Usually one person will be the dominant one in a relationship.   The way that the parties were raised by their parents will influence the relationship.  If a little girl grows up surrounded by women who are doormats, then she runs a good chance of being a doormat as well and as a consequence, she may either hate men, or allow herself to be controlled by them.   If a little boy grows up with a dominant mother, he will be more likely to marry a partner who is dominant.

Sometimes a relationship will have two doormats, and the offspring of that pairing will be doomed to a lifetime of being pushed around.  Sometimes two dominant people will create a child and bring forth into the world, a total tyrant.  On the flipside, two doormats could create a child with festering anger and resentment who turns into a psycopath.

The moral of the story?  You really do marry the family.  Check out the relationships and your partners family structure.  If it doesn’t sit well with you, dump your girlfriend or boyfriend now and waste no more time, because you can’t win against a lifetime of social engineering.  Break up online and share your story with us on Postadump.  The world wants to know.

 

© 2012 Channing P. Doyle

 

 

 

People Who Can’t Direct Their Anger

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons to break up is not so much the underlying reason of why there may be an argument, but rather the fact that the arguments escalate into screaming matches.  Usually this is because one or both of the parties do not know how to curb the argument and control or direct their anger appropriately.

People who have the anger control problem will try to skirt around the main point of the argument and attempt to drag the fight into different directions or off on tangents to avoid talking about the real lissue.  They will take one thing that you say and beat it into the ground and make the fight about that instead of talking about what the argument is really about.  They will insult you and say things to you and about you that leave you questioning the entire relationship.  When the fight is over, they will say that they only said it because they were angry, but it still leaves that negative thought flitting around your mind.   They will also try to say that they only said certain things because you said something first (trying to alleviate their guilt by putting the blame on  you and playing the “poor me” card) which is usually untrue.

Learning how to control anger and have a “productive” argument comes with experience and often, the parties in a relationship are simply too young and do not possess the experience necessary to have an adult conversation and to tackle relationship growing pains.  However, there are also many people who never learn this skill and forever are doomed to act like jackasses whenever any issue at all arises in a relationship.  Not only is it exhausting to be in these types of relationships, but it also becomes boring when nothing serious can ever be discussed without a flare up.  If you find yourself with one of these people,  stop wasting time.  They have deep rooted issues that you cannot solve and you deserve someone who can act like an adult.  This doesn’t only extend to intimate relationships, it can be a work or friend relationship as well.  No matter who this person is, you deserve better so stop worrying about hurting their feelings and dump your girlfriend, boyfriend, or friend and move on to a happier life.

 

© 2012 Channing P. Doyle

Opposite Sex Friends – True or False?

Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and have no other thoughts or motives about that relationship?  Is it possible for men and women to be “just friends?”

I think it’s possible, but only on one side.  In other words, a man and woman can be “just friends” but it is viewed as “just friends” by only one of the two people.   The other person will possibly have motives or secret desires or thoughts of “maybe sometime in the future when the time is right.”  Sometimes both of them are aware of it and both view the other person as a potential backup.

I’m not saying that the friendship between the two parties doesn’t exist, because it does.  I’m only saying that usually either one or both of the parties will  have thoughts that sometimes extend past friendship.  These thoughts may never be voiced, especially if the other party has a significant other.   A guy who is friends with a girl who has a boyfriend, may not want to eliminate himself completely from the girl’s life, but not necessarily be ready to speak up about his feelings.   A girl who is friends with a guy who has a significant other may also not want to eliminate herself from the equation and may try to develop a connection with both the guy and his girlfriend so as to say in the picture.   In both of these scenarios, someone is waiting on the sidelines for the relationship to fall apart.  Nothing like having someone send good energy your way.

These “friendships” are a slippery slope.   When someone has something going on in their life that makes them feel vulnerable, they are likely to lean on friends and the friends will naturally start to feel protective.  The best relationships are built on friendship right?  Need I say more?

If people are working towards a common goal, feelings can develop.  These feelings may or may not last (usually they do not) after the goal has been reached and the fight is over.  This is one of the reasons that workplace romances are so common, and why people should avoid them.  Once the fun is over,  unless you are ready to switch jobs, you will have to see that person every single day.  Worse, if one person still has feelings but the other does not, things can get messy.  Seeds can be planted (no pun intended).   Once one person develops feelings, it’s all to easy to plant negative thought patterns in the other persons mind that sway them to believe that their relationship is full of reasons to break up.

Sometimes friendships develop under the disguise of “being safe.”    You have 2 coworkers who both are in relationships.  They can make their significant others feel ok about the friendship because “he or she is in a relationship”…but really what is happening here is that the 2 coworkers are in a situation where they can develop bonds and no one will suspect anything (at least at first.)

So if you are a guy, should you be ok with your girl having platonic guy friends?  Think about it.   If you are a girl do you think your guy really has girls that are “just friends?”

If your significant other insists on having their “just friends”…I’d say that they are putting themsevles first.   While you are putting all of your eggs in one basket, they are stocking the proverbial relationship vault so that they can enjoy it on a rainy day.    If you have a partner like this, put some serious thought into the dynamics of the relationship.  They are keeping the door open.   It may be time to stop wondering IF you should break up and focus on HOW to break up.

© 2012 Channing P. Doyle

Friday Night Again

So here it is, Friday night again.  Has what used to be a fun night that started of the weekend turned into a total bore for you?  Has your significant other been testy all week due to whatever stresses they claim that have been monopolizing their time and making them unavailable?  At best, when they are reluctantly available, do they act like a complete grouch and take their frustrations out on you?  Now, it’s Friday and most assuredly they will be looking to have a good time, but you feel distant from them due to their behavior throughout the week.   You probably think things like “why should I be available when all week I got nothing from them?”   Well, the answer is, you shouldn’ t have to.

Yes, they will expect a good time.  If  your significant other is a guy, they may expect dinner, a clean house, and a sympathetic ear about their horrid week (all while you are wearing lingerie of course).   If your significant other is a girl, she will have been “less than nice” all week yet expect you to appear at her door with flowers and eager to foot the bill for the weekend.

People that behave as mentioned above are self centered, selfish, and narrow sighted.  They usually feel that their issues are bigger and more intense than everyone elses, and therefore they deserve special treatement and they perceive that their behavior is perfectly justified.  This is not the case.   Being stuck with someone that self centered is a reason to break up.  People like this only have the capacity to superficially care about someone else.   So don’t waste anymore Friday nights with your self centered ball and chain.  Get out there and enjoy your own life.  As a matter of fact, break up online with them.  If they expect everything to revolve around them, they will probably appreciate you not taking up any of their in person time.

If someone can’t be half of a relationship during the week, don’t let them be in it with you on the weekend.  You were alone all week, make your weekend count and do something great for yourself. 

 

The Double Standard

There is perhaps nothing more annoying than the good old double standard and repeated or overuse of it is a perfectly legit reason to break up.   I had a friend who didn’t want his girlfriend to go out of town without him, yet he thought it was perfectly reasonable for him to be able to go out of town on a guy weekend.   When I asked him why, his response was “it isn’t safe for her to travel alone.”

I call BS.  I think the main issue is that men like to keep women in a situation that makes the men feel safe and unthreatened.  If a woman is home taking care of the kids, she can’t get into too much trouble.  If she’s out and about, there is more of a chance of some craziness happening.   That being said, that same guy will say that when he is out, he knows nothing will happen, therefore it is “different.”

Men like to have the adventure and they like the woman to stay home.  Ladies, don’t be suckered by the safety talk.  You have only one life to live. If your guy can’t handle the fact that you are an individual, it is time to dump your boyfriend.  He won’t get an better as the relationship grows, he will only restrict you more and more.

The “I am allowed but here is why you cannot” mentality can truly ruin a relationship.  It isn’t always the guy though.  Women are notorious for having guy friends, but they throw absolute fits when their own guy has a gal pal of his own.   Usually this is because in the woman’s mind, her guy friend is really someone she is viewing as a potential back up.  She’s kind of feeling out how he’d be in a relationship without actually being in a relationship with him.  If it doesn’t work out with you, it is only a matter of time before she will be dating him.  Guys, if you have a girl with many guy friends who does not allow you to have any female friends, view this as a major red flag and break up with that girlfriend.  If she were truly legit, she wouldn’t care if you had any gal pals of your own.

The situations above are only examples and the double standard can apply to a whole spectrum of events.  There are always exceptions to every double standard, but for the most part, if one person in the relationship is always playing the double standard card, get out while you can and figure out how to break up the relationship. It won’t end pretty, but if the relationship goes on for a long time and one party is always feeling slighted, it will be even uglier.  So cut your losses and end it before you miss out on living life to the fullest.

 

 

 

Peaks and Valleys: When Do Most Relationships Break Up?

While there are peaks and valleys in every relationship, according to a study by David McCandless, thoughout the year there are several times when break ups are most likely to be reported on Facebook.    Some of these periods that are in our near future are Mondays, Spring Break, and April Fools Day!   Mondays are the prevalent days in which break ups are announced, because someone is most likely to get dumped over a weekend.  

What do I think are some possible reasons for Spring Break and April Fools Day?   Perhaps a fresh new spring may make someone want to play the field or start a fresh new relationship so that they can get away from their stagnant winter relationship lol.  As for April Fool’s, it would take someone brave to break up with someone as an April Fools joke, and if they decide to pursue that prank, they should probably be prepared that the break up may be for good.  

If any pranksters out there want to use PostaDump to break up online for April Fool’s – feel free..we will be watching     If you are happy in your relationship though, think twice.

 

 

Is Your Significant Other Materialistic?

It is natural to contemplate relationships around Valentines Day.   Everything around you is geared to relationships and love.  It’s normal to ponder your own relationship during this time.   Is your relationship as good as the person standing in the checkout line in front of you?  That person seems awfully happy with their Valentine card and box of chocolates that they are purchasing for their partner.  They must be really happy.   What is going on in that persons head?   Why am I having these thoughts?

Once this internal diatribe begins, you Inevitably you start to think that if you were really happy, you wouldn’t be having those thoughts.  The Valentines Day “am I happy..” nagging questions creep in and start to incessently chip away at your happy day.  Just because you may not feel exuberantly happy or have that exhilerating sense of excitement, doesn’t mean you are not happy in your relationship.  There is much to be said about contentment.   I’m not talking about “settling” but rather being happy with what you have in someone and being content.  There can still be excitement and fun, but in addition to that, there is also comfort.   Take a look at this recent dump that someone posted on PostaDump.

So what do you think of that?  Apparently the Princess-GreatOne has no desire for comfort but would rather be swept up in gifts and excitment.  She places more emphasis on material items and exciting experiences that she devalues the true foundation of a relationship and uses these excuses as reasons to break up online.  While there are 2 sides to every story, Princess-GreatOne makes no bones about it – she wants fun and gifts and has no interest in something substantial.   If she finds a guy who can give her those things, will she have the ability to understand that eventually that new relationship (if healthy) will settle down somewhat.  So what will she do then?  On to the next man?  Will her materialistic nature doom her to forever being on the hunt?